“To be a blessing”, as a college freshman, this was my usual answer to people whenever they asked what I wanted to be after college. As I grew in this community, I have been affirmed that I am to serve the Lord in my whole life, wherever that may be. My life at His disposal, that’s for sure. Opportunities and different doors opened for me, there were a lot of choices where I would be able to serve the Lord more, and all I had to do was choose.
I had my first job in a corporate setting and I only stayed for 2 months since I knew that wasn’t the setting I would be able to grow and love more. Then I became a preschool teacher in our province. I taught for 3 years and it was a fulfilling vocation. I grew and learned so many things, I was content with where I was but there was a hint deep in my heart that I knew God has put within me something more.
It all started with a desire to serve the Lord more in this community. It came to a point when I was taking post-graduate units in UP Diliman, which I also prayed for during college, while I was working and serving. There was one specific night when I came out of the classroom and just stared at the road and it was a realization of how everything has been turning into reality. It was a feeling of dreams coming true: I was taking MA units, I was happily working and I was also able to serve. Right at that moment, unexpected but out of love, I decided to let go of my post-graduate studies. It was not painful but a loving, peaceful decision. If I would handle those three at the same time: studying, working, serving – I knew I would compromise at least one of them. There must be something more here, for me to let go of that seemingly-concrete dream. There must be something more important and urgent here than that plan of mine. If there’s something I can delay or put aside, it is not the calling of the Lord.
There has been an inkling in my heart. Why am I so willing to let go of these things just to be able to serve? It was then that I recognized my desire to serve Him as a missionary. I discerned to take the MVTP. But just like Thomas, slow to be sure and wants to be assured first, it took me a few MVTPs to pass before I finally decided to go. Just when I was so sure of my desire to serve Him full-time, one worship in ICON Bohol, God has specifically told me to let go of that desire. I remembered struggling with the Lord, telling Him, “Kung i-le-let go ko ito, ano na lang ang matitira sa akin?”. His reply, painful but true, led me to tears because I knew He is right, “Ako. Ako na lang ang matitira sa ‘yo.” It made me sad thinking after long discernment He would just ask me to let it go, however after continuous prayers and immersion, I realized that I have attached myself too much on the desire – the desire became my identity. And that’s what God has been asking me to let go all along – myself. More than my desire, it was His desire for me from the start, and it will always be His will over mine.
To serve through the youth, to build relationships, to affirm them that they are not alone, to bring their hearts back to their families, to share Christ and His love, to embrace and accept His love for me – these have been God’s dream for me. I am called to love and to be loved.
There’s a spark inside me that God has put to be shared to the world. Every inkling in my body knows that it cannot rest until God’s love and joy is shared. I didn’t earn any of this, they are all freely given by God – the mission and everything in between, the love, the joy, the calling – everything is grace. I am living God’s dream for me, full of grace and wonder. My response to this is what He always longs to hear everyday, “Hahayaan mo bang Ako lang ang matira sa ‘yo ngayon?”
