It all started with a joke, when my friends and I was having a conversation that we want to go on mission as fulltime worker without having the full knowledge about it. And from that joke, it became my dream until I found out that it is also God’s dream for me.
Before, I said, I cannot see myself raising hands and worshiping the Lord like what I saw in the other sect and in the CFC community, but now I will say, I cannot see myself not worshiping the Lord and giving back all the glory to Him.
I came from a religious family where my parents are leaders in CFC, they introduced me the rosary, some of the saints and regularly attending mass. The notion back then was, if you are son/daughter of the CFC leader, you are next in line to become a leader in the community. I don’t want it, but for me I don’t have a choice, so I said yes. I became a leader and because of the fear of failing my leaders, my parents, my coordinators, I became selfish in doing the mission that led me to a wrong way of leading my members. Because of my prayer time where I embraced it since it is introduced to me, I realized my wrong way of leading my co-YFC. I’m ashamed in the Lord that led me not to go on mission, I make a lot of escape and denial in His calling. But because of the love of the Lord, He kept pursuing me to the next level of service, He used my couple coordinator to check me and to encourage me to accept the calling the Lord has planned for me. So again, I said yes.
My journey as youth head back then is not perfect, I failed, I commit sin, even having a double life. That situation erased my desire to serve God fulltime because I feel unworthy. But with the help of prayer time, the Lord showed me the answer, He allowed me to understand why I need to experience that and affirmed me that even though I don’t have a choice to become a leader back then, it was His choice for me.
The journey continues, I was still faithful in my prayer time. The fruit of becoming faithful in prayer time was revealed to me. Every time I’m facing hard times, I received the answer or the message of the Lord immediately from that I claimed that I am God’s favorite.
Until I realized that it is not me who is faithful to Him, but it is Him who is faithful to me, that despite of my short comings, He continued to bless me in His special way and He still chose me. It opened my heart again to desire Him more to embrace humility, to deny myself to do more for God, less of me and more for others.
My life verse reminded me how faithful God in my life and that is also my battle cry “If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me” –Luke 9:23 encountering this verse brings my life hashtag #RoadToHoliness
The calling of the Lord to become FTPW is becoming louder and clearer so I did an active discernment for it. It took me 3 years for the leap of faith, first year of discernment I am afraid for my future because I had a lot of dreams. In my second year, my parents don’t want me to go on that path. And in third year, I am not ready because I am not equipped. Along the way I am shaken because there’s a work offered to me that is to become guidance coordinator in school where I am working also my professor when I took units in education offered me to become a Sped teacher if I passed the LET. Those are my dream jobs.
But I don’t have regrets in that delays and not choosing the offer because I found myself coming closer to God and surrendering everything to Him, there’s a lot of realizations and from the no’s of my parents to their yes in supporting me to become FTPW is an affirmation that God is calling me, because their decision is important to me and I said to God during my prayer time that if He is really calling me to go on mission, He will talk to my parents and praise God for the Yes of my parents. In that discernment, the Lord spoke to me saying “Do not be afraid” until He keeps on affirming me in the series of events by adding “Do not be afraid, I am with you”. His affirmation and messages during my prayer time brought me to my leap of faith.
During my training as a fulltime worker my ates and kuyas asked me why I want to go on mission and my answer is I want to remain Holy because as long as I am in this community, I am reminded that I am for Christ.
And now as a FTPW, everything is not easy, but I keep holding on to His promise as my journey verse said “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe! Plan to give you a future full of hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11.
So everything that happened and will happen to me in this journey whether it cause me sadness or happiness, brokenness or hope, I will continue to serve with gladness for what is happening to me and who am I right now is part of my Yes because those Yeses changes me, bring me closer to God and desires me to remain in this road to holiness.
