Three years ago, everything that I wanted in my life was in my hands. I had a high-paying job that was able to sustain my wants and needs, the chance to live outside of my comfort zone, and the freedom to do what I want. At that time, I was already in my version of experiencing what and how the world works. Not to mention my version of fun was going out with workmates, hanging out at some clubs and coming home by 2am, and my version of love was engaging into impure and sexual relationships.
I couldn’t forget that moment when I just woke up one day feeling very empty. I even told myself that maybe I just had a sleepless night and just woke up on the other side of the bed. The emptiness I felt was deafening, and I couldn’t understand my feelings anymore.
All I remember was that that emptiness led me to pray – again. I had everything, but it was at the cost of my relationship with the Lord. Gone were the days when I was still new to the big city and I was in track with God. Then, I got to have a glimpse of how the world works, I forgot about God, I only remembered Him when it seemed like my life was falling apart. What I felt was almost overwhelming, I decided to face God.
I was at the peak of my career at that time. I was close to being someone worth looking up to. The world is already a glimpse away from me, when God called me for fulltime work. That very experience with Him in the adoration chapel revealed the inner me that was made for love. It made me realize that when you have a personal experience with God, you get to be more human and you get to fully reveal yourself. His call overwhelmed me – it made me doubt myself even more because how can God call me to serve Him when He knew where I came from? I kept telling the Lord that I have nothing to give him – I don’t have the skills to be called a good missionary. All I had was a sinful past that is enough for me to fail in this mission.
My sinful past was my greatest insecurity, but I didn’t realize it right away that it was my ticket to salvation. It was just like when Jesus asked his disciple walk on water with Him. Like Peter, I was also very afraid – the waves were a reflection of my past, and I knew it would make me sink. But His reassurance that He will never leave me made me brave to face the fears I had, to go out on the boat, and walk on water with Him.
God calling me for mission work was my walk on water story. Until now, I kept on thinking that if God did not call me to serve Him, where would I be now? And if people ask why did I say yes to this calling?
I knew in my heart that it is God who is calling me to be here. You will know if the desires of your heart are from God when it demands commitment. It demands a sense of urgency – that feeling when I just can’t wait but say yes to Him. I didn’t choose the Lord when my life was falling apart. Because even when everything was going right, even when I am winning, I still chose the Lord.
You see, I was already close to the top when God asked me to give everything up and follow Him. I never got to be who I wanted to be, but I got to be who God wanted me to be – and that’s more than enough. That is my personal experience of grace.
